| It's Been a Great Run... |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|12:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sword of the Berserk - 'Indra (ending theme)' | ] |
Yeah, I haven't posted here in freakin' forever, and frankly there hasn't been much point. So I can't really say I missed this place, my thrashed out layout, and typing about my screwed up life.
Either way this'll be my last entry here. I just wanted to say goodbye to all those people on my friends' list that made this place worthwhile, and not just another empty and meaningless hole in cyberspace.
Thanks a lot guys.
Your favorite asshole,
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The 69 Eyes - 'Grey' | ] |
I'm back, not that anyone ever reads this thing (other than me) to notice otherwise.
Oh well.
Here's a quick recap of what's happened to me since my last update:
* The government finally took pity on my sorry ass and awarded me a $1,700.00 Pell Grant for school. Woohoo!
* I crushed my left hand at work and could use it for two days, it sucked but it's fine now.
* One of my professors over at the college is going to hook me up for a part-time job with an actual video game company!!! I might end up doing only grunt work in the whole thing, but I'll still get my name in the game credits. Not to mention this could be my big introduction into the gaming industry!
Now I'm just waiting to get started.
* One of the new managers at my full-time job is a total ass. Don't know how long I can put up with that shit until I lose my mind.
* I've gotten a new pet. This time it's a dog, a german shepherd to be exact. I named him Griffith after the antagonist of one of my favorite manga, Berserk by Kentaro Miura. The little monster's smarter than 90% of the population here, or at least out of the people I've encountered.
* Some asshat attacked my bike again, scratching it up.
* Created my first dinky Flash animation and hope to get good enough to create my own movie.
* Mr. Peanut still won't shut the @#$% up.
Thank you,
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|11:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'Dave Chapelle: Killing Them Softly', in the background. | ] |
Seriously, some days I take a real hard look at my life and think, 'WTF happened?'
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ayla - 'Atlantis' | ] |
I was freaking right...that chick in the X rpg is a lesbian. O__o;
It gets pretty scary when I'm right about people, since I'm *extremely* unperceptive about those sort of things. And it's not that I care she is, what I care about is the fact that I was somehow right.
Damn...my eye isn't focusing any longer.
Better log off.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|02:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cell Dweller - 'Frozen' | ] |
Whearsy, yadi lamm searu Ro va lyrai fi uln te lem riorailu ewu de arryau krea va aerokiru woabau ro ega ro'e ega.
Bloukis demientever Ro wimludas'yo riorailu.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|03:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Onimusha 2 - 'Demon Warrior' | ] |
Seriously, people must think I'm stupid and don't know the kind of shit they're saying about me behind my back.
Well asshats I @#$%ing know.
**This message will be conveniently translated into the Drei dialect in a future post. Why? Because I like to cuss out asshats in my own language.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|01:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Angels of Venice - 'Three Nightingales' | ] |
I am currently drawing a picture of a whore and a gimp!
I'll be sure to post up the image when I'm finished drawing it.
*This image (the whore part in particular) is dedicated to the whore Natasha, you know who the #$%^ you are bitch. The gimp on the otherhand is dedicated to Walker's twisted imagination and love of Pulp Fiction.
Something's seriously wrong with me.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|01:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Onimusha Warlords - 'Hayate' | ] |
Shit, I'm out of Toprol. I really don't want to go back to the doctor's office again so soon. ><;
Dammit, guess I've got to get around to doing that sometime soon before the 'shakes' come back full force and I can't draw or write ledgibly anymore; not that I really did before anyway.
But what's new.....hmm, hard to think of too many things to write down that have happened recently that doesn't involve a ton more ranting and raving that'll make me sound even more like a lunatic, but guess I'll start with something simple. Through my cel collecting hobby I recently purchased yet another cel and became friends with the seller who lives in Belgium and they're really cool, they work a lot in the tv business over there and even was in a television show over there roughly based off of D&D-based rpgs. They sent me the link so I could watch a trailer of the show for myself and it looked damn-near like a hollywood movie, the costumes, camera shots, special effects, etc. all were top-notch. It was very cool of them to send the trailer link to me and we're still talking over email.
On another note, backstabbers are once more running amuck and talking shit behind my back apparently thinking I'm not smart enough to figure it out, but what the hell? I could care less now, they all can just kiss my ass and go to hell.
I've been working more dedicatedly on my artwork partially because I not only want to improve my skills, but also because I want to make sure that they're good enough material to use in my portfolio since I might give a shot at submitting it to the Joe Kubert School of Cartoon and Graphic Art, Inc. (long-arse name huh?) The school is top-notch and supposedly the only school in the world to offer exclusive courses and degrees in the field of cartooning; being so top-notch and all it's little wonder that the school only accepts 25 students each year. I'd love to go to that school but I've seriously got to kick up my artwork to the next level if I even have a chance at being accepted and I've got to raise some serious funds. At least I won't have to worry about moving seeing as the school's about a 45 minute to an hour drive from NYC (It's located in Dover, New Jersey btw).
It might take me a few years yet to get the cash and raise my skill-level before I apply, but I think that this school is one that I'm more than willing to get deeper in debt to attend.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|02:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | System of a Down - 'B.Y.O.B.' | ] |
Yet another long period of time has come to pass since I've updated this thing and not much has changed. Yup, I'm still the same old asshole you all have come to know and love, but now I find myself overly tired both physically and mentally. I'm totally spent at this point and can barely seem to gather my thoughts even to write in this thing, so excuse me if my writing suddenly wonders off into something that makes absolutely no sense. All my thoughts just kind of meld together in one big mess and I wander around in a stupor all day, physically 'there' but not really 'there' at the same time.
I feel like a zombie and strangely I don't care all that much to return to a normal state of awareness, whatever that might be considered.
( Thorns in my Side )
- This message conveniently brought to you by Raz, your local asshole |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|11:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Appleseed Movie, Paul Oakenfold - 'Burns Attack' | ] |
Read some old issues of the comic series Epic published by Marvel a long-arse time ago, heck, even got an issue where Frank Frazetta did the cover art. Bet that might be worth something along with the other junky comic books I collected back when I was younger, the only thing that's changed is that now I'm more into japanese manga than american comic books. I still like some american books like Spawn and Sandman, but a majority of them no longer hold my interest probably because they're all super-hero related and frankly not that interesting anymore, though I still have a soft spot for Batman when he was still known as the 'Dark Knight' and not made into the typical super hero of today.
I've really got to go check out the new Batman movie sometime.
Other than that I've still been struggling to improve my artwork though I took a bit of a vacation from it all when I went along with Walker and a couple of other people for a week long trip to Vegas. Needless to say there was much drinking, partying and gambling; Walker even won $600.00 playing the slots. The others and I weren't as lucky, though I managed to make somewhere between $50.00 - $100.00 playing Black Jack, which isn't bad I guess since every little bit of money helps esp. since I believe I blew all of my winnings at the Excalibur.
That place kicks so much ass.
But enough ranting for now, perhaps I'll post something else later on when I have something actually worth saying for once, not that that's going to happen anytime soon (so I'll probably end up boring you with more mindless drivle). Maybe my next post will be a bit more interesting.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silent Hill 4 Live at Heaven's Night - 'Waiting For You' | ] |
People are assholes.
What little trust I had in the human race has taken a serious beating lately and I'm @#$%ing tired of it. I know that I'll probably never fully recover from this 'mutilation of trust', not that it really matters but I'll probably take an even more cynical (if you thought that was even possible) outlook on other people and their hidden motives. Apparently every time I manage to put a little faith in humanity it comes back and kicks me in the nuts to show me that, 'Haha! You moron! Shouldn't have trusted them should you?!'
After repeated incidents in the past few days I think I've finally learned that I'm an idiot and that 99.99% of people are assholes/bitches and that I was stupid enough to think I could have faith in some of the few I did.
Oh well, I don't give a damn anymore, everyone take a @#$%ing free-shot at me if you want since I don't think nothing could damage my view of other people anymore than it already has been. |
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| Pissed Beyond Belief |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|12:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Slayer - 'Angel of Death' | ] |
I am so pissed off right now, that bitch I banned from my LoK group decided to get her little 'revenge' and had someone destroy the entire group's settings, delete all messages and every member.
The @#$%ing bitch Natasha Compagnon was behind it, well I hope that she @#$%ing chokes and dies for destroying a group that was older than the SR2 video game itself and ruining what I and others worked so hard to create. I swore if I knew her in real life I'd beat the bloody shit out of her girl or not. ><;;;
I am beyond pure rage now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gungrave OST Uno Righthead - 'Bitter Ending' | ] |
Is it a possibility to look past everything, all the flaws, all the betrayals, all the pain? Can anyone really be that good, that forgiving to just let everything go so easily without ever questioning the reason why?
I used to think back long ago that I could look past the worst of things and overcome everything that life may have threw at me, but there's only so much one can take before they slowly begin to crack. The cracks almost always form from that first violation of trust that sinks it's claws into you like some sort of foul beast and rips slowly through your flesh with each new loss and like a cancer it only continues to spread with time. At first denial set in and I tried to look past what I saw with such blinding clarity, hoping beyond hope that maybe I was wrong and that everything was ok and going to continue to be that way as long as I could ignore it. But it was never ok, I had only been lying to myself and in the end it cost me everything.
It's almost funny how things turned out when I look back on it, a twisted sort of irony that has never failed to escape me even to this day. Sometimes I laugh softly to myself as I sit against a bare wall, wondering where everything went wrong and how I can find such bittersweet memories humorous in the slightest. The reason still elludes me. I stopped questioning it long ago, instead accepting things as the way things were and how I would always be haunted by long-dead memories that leap to the fore-front of my mind with the slightest of provocation.
The memories still make no sense, their meaning long since faded and their images now garbled beyond all recognition. Perhaps it is best that I don't remember because memories only reopen old wounds as well as cut open new ones, yet despite my best efforts to hide from them sometimes they spring forth again bright and clear as a summer's day to torture me once again. I still only remember mere fragments and I don't want to learn anymore, the steady bubbling of the pain inflicted by those jagged shards is almost more than I can bear. Why do I still chase after them despite this? Despite my desire to never remember any of those memories again?
Maybe I deserve such a punishment for being unable to stop the events transpiring around me and now my fate is only to long for that which I can never have. Even if I can never have what I desire most, I suppose that I can endure the torture of thinking about it simply because living without it is far worse.
Now there's nothing left to me, only the dull throbbing pain in my chest and a heavy heart... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|12:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gungrave OST 2 Lefthead - 'Calculator Cannot Help You' | ] |
I often remember thinking of why things were the way that they were. Looking within each raindrop I see my dreams spiral downwards and into oblivion only to hit the pavement and shatter into a million different shards of flashing light never to be put back together again. But that's how it's always been, a steady sacrifice of my own dreams for someone else, only to have them crush me beneath their ambition and their own goals as they strive steadily upwards toward something I can't even begin to fathom. Something beyond comprehension and beyond my sight from the rain-soaked streets cloaked in the darkness below and just out of reach of the touch of the light.
Everyday is a struggle for survival, a bitter battle to just keep my head above the current that constantly threatens to sweep me away and drag me down into the murky depths. Like a stray dog that searches constantly for a scrap of food I too search for a meaning behind my existence, a reason to keep on fighting a battle that I can never win, much less rise above. Still the fragments of my shattered dreams serve a vague remembrance of my desire to be free, to rise above the tarnished reality around me and to soar openly within the endless blue sky. A sky I never have been able to touch despite how far I reached.
Still I chase that fading dream, striving toward something greater than myself, striving toward heaven trying to free myself from this hell on earth.
The desire to shed this terrible weight that continues to drag me down, binds itself to me like a chain around my neck. A weight I'll never be freed from despite how hard I try, but I carry it all the same and continue to struggle at the chains even if it is all but futile anymore.
As I fall all I can do is gaze upward into that same endless blue sky toward which I've ran and think of what it all meant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|11:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gungrave OST - 'Dabster' | ] |
My life is so boring. |
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| Gungrave Themes = Good |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|02:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gungrave OST - 'Childhood's End' | ] |
Whee! Finally updated my LJ layout, hurray for me and my wasted time!
At least Gungrave themes are good.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2005|11:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Medieval Babes - 'Secreit Nicht' | ] |
Well managed to get in to see the doctor Thursday and thankfully got each one of my glorious perscriptions filled, though as I predicted I also came back with a brand new perscription, this time for the constant shaking of my hands. The problem had gotten worse lately to the point I couldn't draw or write for periods of time or even play a video game properly, all of this I told to the doctor and he said that after looking over my bloodtest work and checking over my current perscriptions that the nerves in my hands must be shot. Great. Thanks to the wonders of medical technology there was a perscription floating around out there to fix the damn shaking, so now I'm on a new drug called Toprol (I believe that's how it's spelled) and also back on my Buspirone, aka my 'tweeker pills' since the doctor found nothing necessarily harmful about the side-effect of my pupil getting super-huge other than the fact that I looked like a freaking abductee's sketch of an alien.
Medicine is good.
I've been really working my ass off this holiday weekend and needless to say I've sacrificed even more sleep and free time than I thought I originally had, but hey, guess that's life. But life sucks now doesn't it? Unfortunately the overtime is necessary to keep a roof over my head and pills shoved down my gullet and I guess that's all any good old American citizen could ask for.
Hell yes.
I've really got to try and sleep seeing as I've got to get up and back to work again in about four hours, but what the hell, even when I'm asleep I dream of being at work so I doubt I'm really missing out on anything.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2005|12:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Orgy - 'Stitches' | ] |
Must be at work at an ungodly hour.
Damn.....I need a serious break already.
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2005|01:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Susumu Hirasawa - 'Venus' | ] |
I'm tired...
I've really got to call in and make a doctor's appointment tomorrow seeing as my medication refills are drying up once again. Maybe now I can also figure out why my Buspirone is making me tweek out because all I need now is to look like I've smoked some serious grass when I'm at work, seeing as the pills have had the strange effect on me of making my pupil huge. I mean the thing practically fills up my entire iris so that I look either like a stoner or some sort of freaky alien from another galaxy.
Oh well, hopefully the doc can cram me with new medication refills and figure out what the hell's going on with me and my reaction to my stress medications. Knowing how the medical world works today I'll probably end up on another new batch of perscriptions, not that I really mind, numbness is good.
But now I bring to you an exerpt from one of my newer pieces of writing.
Prepare to kill yourself from boredom.
( Change )
Quit denying the truth...
-Raz |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2005|01:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Revenge of the Sith OST - 'Immolation Scene' | ] |
Went to see the latest Star Wars flick opening day (since I got my ticket way in advance) and even though I already had my ticket I still had to wait in a huge-arse line that ran clean down one of the many hallways and out and around the building. O__o; Also you wouldn't believe the fanboys I saw there, I haven't seen such elaborately dressed people like that expect at a convention and it looked like the freaking Millenium Falcon and Deathstar crashed into the theater that day. Needless to say there was much lightsaber swinging and every kind of 'trooper' that you could possibly imagine cramming the entire building.
Some people might have complained about the first three movies in the series, but I think that Revenge of the Sith was a pretty damn good movie especially when Obi-Wan and Anakin finally get to face off and you see exactly how Anakin ended up as the screwed up Darth Vader we all know and love. People just expect too much for the new movies to be a carbon-copy of the original Star Wars series and recapture their lost childhoods that they don't even give the movies a fair chance, instead you usually get from the fanboys 'It's not as good as the original'. I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing that from people in that theater that I wanted to tell them to cram it and quit expecting some middle-aged Hollywood director to ressurect their lost fascination with the series. Just take it as it is and you'll enjoy the movie, especially with much loss of limbs in this installment.
Whee! Now I probably sound like a fanboy too but I don't care, I'm crazy.
-Raz |
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